Monday, April 4, 2011

It's ok to cry

Kaitlyn gets really really REALLY upset when she sees me crying. Not like, "oh mommy what's wrong" sit down and cry with me upset. No, she gets mad at me. "Mommy stop. Your not reason crying" is usually what I hear. Well yesterday was no exception. I had special music yesterday morning. I don't typically say anything before I sing, but I had several different things happen that made me just want to say something.. and then a fourth before I got up to sing. God puts verses in our path unexpectedly, songs we hear on the radio (or in this case sing in a church service) stories that people send in those annoying "send to all your friends" e-mails. Anyhow, I was singing an arrangement of Jesus, I am resting, resting. I blogged a week or so ago about a verse that a friend of mine had on her blog.. Isaiah 45:3.... well, for me this verse and this song went together this week. Nothing obvious at first glance, but I was thinking earlier last week about the words of the song. Mostly about the second verse, which I wasn't even able to sing btw..... "Simply trusting Thee Lord Jesus, I behold Thee as Thou art. And Thy love, so pure, so changeless, satisfies my heart. Satisfies my deepest longing. Meets, supplies it's every need. Compaseth me round with blessings, Thine is love indeed."..... The verseS that I read.. Isaiah 45:2+3 "I will go before you and will level the mountains; I will break down gates of bronze and cut through bars of iron. I will give you treasures out of darkness, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the LORD, the God of Israel, who calls you by name."
Doesn't really fit at first glance does it? But you know what God impressed on me this week? As I have been arguing with the school, and been terrified about mainstreaming Kait, I haven't been "Simply trusting". I haven't let Him "level the mountains" and "break gates of bronze and cut through bars of iron". So anyway, that's what I tried to say before I sang yesterday. It didn't come out that way. I couldn't even talk, let alone sing. I just stood there and cried as the piano, and my husband on trombone, continued to play. I croaked out the last verse, sort of. But it was ok, because it's ok to cry. I think that even though I didn't intend on crying, for some reason it was what people needed to see. I had so many come up to me later and say thank you.. just thank you. Why is it so difficult for us to be transparent with each other sometimes? I'm just as bad about it as anyone. I paste on my Sunday smile and go to do all my duties. Then Monday I hide in my house and sob. Well, not this week. I did my sobbing yesterday, in front of 100 or so people that thought I had it all together. SURPRISE!!! :) Kaitlyn was very upset at me for crying... I heard about it all the way home. Oh well! She'll get over it.. She always does! And next Sunday, when I play my flute.. I'm not talking first!!

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